Part 2: IDENTIFY SHIFTS why they are important
How is my identity shift impacting me as a woman, entrepreneur, mother and the future business
Part 1: Being at odds with your identity. I got some excellent replies, so THANK YOU to those who replied. It means a lot to connect even online with an email. So, if you haven’t read that article, you can go back, but this article can be read without that one. Here, I share bits of how this identity shift I am going through as a mother and a creative entrepreneur is currently impacting my life.
Why is identity shifting important?
Humans are supposed to change. We change constantly, but it is hard to notice it has happened.
There are sayings like “people don’t change” or “people can never change.”
We change relationships, jobs, cars, homes, food habits, workout routines, and clothing styles, to name just a few. We change in many ways.
So why do we believe we can’t change, and why do people say, “People don’t change”?
When we do…We are CHANGING beings…
The most complex parts of ourselves to change are these:
our mind
our physical body
our spirituality
outlook on life
eating habits
values/ beliefs
Yet some of us have or want to change a few of these… because we know it is possible. The way is hard because we usually get stuck by our ego, self-sabotage, pride, programming, culture, and religion.
Yoga has changed my mindset and physical body, and my spirituality has elevated to a new level since I started my yoga journey. My outlook on life changed when I travelled to the Dominican Republic and lived in a poor country at 19 years old, and it has shifted my views on the world forever.
I stopped eating meat in 2015 and only introduced eating fish in 2016 as the only meat I will consume. But I mostly eat a vegetarian-based diet on a day-to-day basis.
Throughout my 30s, I have questioned many of my values/beliefs to rediscover what values are valid and what I don’t actually align with anymore.
In today’s culture, we don’t like the ways we are not changing. For example
We are not getting more income
We are not getting more for our money (cost of living)
We are not seeing our bodies transform in the ways that we want them to if we are gaining weight
We are not doing the job or career or business we want too
We are not living in the house we want to be in
We are not going on that trip we wanted with our friends or on a solo or family adventure.
But we see so many people through social media doing all these things that we naturally start to CARE MORE about what other people are doing and compare our lives to theirs that we forget to witness our own lives and all the blessings we currently have going on.
🙋🏻♀️ TOTALLY GUILTY of losing sight of the beauty in my own life because I don’t practice my meditation to ground into my sense of self. Only recently, I started journaling again, which has helped me massively to let go of my negative thoughts. Two self-care tools I used daily before becoming a mother I dropped, and their impact on my wellness was significant.
So, if it is so important to start noticing when we are at a point in our lives that we are shifting into a new part of our identity, how do we do it? How do we see it happening when it can be so invisible?
#1 Who are you…today?
We do not know ourselves very well or at all in most cases!
because we haven’t bothered to ask ourselves this simple yet fundamental question
nothing significant has happened to force us to reflect on ourselves and consider if our behaviour is stopping us from changing
We haven’t been taught how to reflect on ourselves as it isn’t a practice we grew up with
I know myself well and have done the work, but even now, there is ALWAYS more work. As you discover yourself opening up into these new places in your life, there are more things to learn about yourself and how you can adapt
"You Can't Really Know Where You Are Going Until You Know Where You Have Been" - Maya Angelou
(This is me in Hong Kong in 2014 at The Peak)
#2 The Blocker is You!
Even when we do “the work” of self-inquiry, we still fall into this same trap of blocking ourselves from opportunities, joy and inner peace.
We like to blame other people for the pain, negative feelings, or experiences in our lives, but you are, more or less, stopping your happiness because you don’t know what makes you happy anymore.
Self-sabotage creeps into certain areas of our lives, but it creeps up more in some places than others. Right now, I self-sabotage my sleep and “ME TIME” to keep calm in the house.
And if you CANNOT answer, what do you want? Then, you must work within yourself to be able to answer that question.
I wanted my sleep back so I was not in a bad mood during the day (not so calm when Mama is grumpy and tired). So we devised a plan so I could sleep in the other room while Tony dealt with the kids on nights he wasn’t going to work in the morning. So far, it has been working great when I get those two nights to get into deep sleep without worrying the kids.
”ME TIME” is always a work in progress and happens randomly. Most of the time, it has to happen during nap time, when I get to lounge out, do some of my pottery, or write these articles. But when it comes to me going out of the house…
Tony is good at spotting when I am getting irritated and always suggests to me in a kind and loving way that I should hang out with a friend.
#3 Mind games / Comfort Zone
We tend to stick to what is safe and known and hold on to our identities because they define who we are. However, this approach limits us to one type of person.
We often go through life unconsciously, meaning we are unaware of the changes that are happening and the changes that we want to happen but are just not happening because of our default, a comfort zone.
Our minds operate to keep us safe. Anything “new” to the mind is considered the unknown and, therefore, harmful or “unsafe.” Once the mind states it is unsafe, it signals us not to do that “new thing” anymore.
Once you understand when your mind is playing tricks on you to stop you from moving forward, you can start to become aware of the mind games at work. You then have to start playing games back with your mind to trick yourself into doing the new thing so your mind will feel at ease with it.
You can achieve this in many ways, and these are the few ways I can do it.
Habit stacking is probably the easiest way to add new things to my life.
Meditation allows me to notice my thoughts, what supports my new change, and what is nonsense.
Journaling can help you recognise when the mind is playing games on you because it is only through reflection that you can notice a pattern occurring.
Getting out of the comfort zone is HARD because it works in many ways, so why break what’s not broken? Right? Wrong! Sometimes, we don’t notice when the comfort zone is holding us back. Don’t be blinded by this bad behaviour. Allow yourself to integrate the good behaviour change to see the identity shift you seek to make finally, or that needs to change to live life.
I have noticed so many comfort zones in motherhood that it is unreal. I won’t unpack them all here, but the mind games within Mothers are unlike anything else. The things we think or do without noticing because we are doing them for the benefit of our children and family are AMAZING, but it is a slippery slope to doing too much and putting everyone’s needs before our own.
#MOMGUILT - I dislike this term in so many ways, but it is real for many moms, and I have also felt it. But I also tell myself that I am a person, and I have needs/desires, and they can co-exist alongside being a mother. I don’t have to choose, even though my brain is telling me that I have to or my child or partner is making me feel a certain way that makes me think it. I remember that it is just a feeling; they pass, and everyone moves on. Some of you might be thinking, “Easier said than done.” But it doesn’t mean it is wrong.
Overall identity shifting isn’t something we do well as humans!
But we shouldn’t ignore it anymore. When we change our lives on purpose for any reason, we need to understand how it will impact us.
Asking ourselves the three questions above:
Do we know who we are now so that we can understand how the change will impact us? Or is change just happening to us without really much control? Are you asking yourself the same question: Am I the type of person who can handle this, and if not, what should I do?
Am I in any way blocking myself from this new identity shift from moving forward by self-sabotaging?
Is my mind playing tricks on me, and I keep reverting to old behaviours like watching Netflix at night time versus just writing this article to finish on the timeframe I set out… YES, I am reverting to OLD HABITS #GUILTY
This article has been self-sabotage in so many ways throughout the process of finishing it to this version you are reading now. It had been written for almost months, and I kept making excuses and avoiding it. I am struggling with my identity shift from being present as a mother to being present as a wife to spend quality time with Tony when I have spare time in the evenings versus prioritising time to do things I love for myself. The struggle is real of juggling so many balls in the air in my life now. Something always has to give, and usually, it is writing these articles for you and myself, as I get so much joy in sharing these articles with you, whether you like them or not.
We are all juggling identities based on the level of responsibility in our lives, but noticing who we are becoming and letting go of old versions of ourselves is not exactly easy for anyone. Being kind to yourself when changing is essential, which might mean doing less and saying NO when you would have said yes. Allowing the new version that you are creating in your life to have space to strengthen and be present in yourself is crucial. And when you allow that space for it to occur, don’t judge it; enjoy it.
(One of my favourite Instagram artists @toyoufromsteph)
After completing a Mother’s In Business course, Live Online Calls, for 12 weeks, I have noticed a massive identity shift within myself and how I want to move forward in my business as a mother and creative entrepreneur. I craved space during the week when the kids were around me and when the kids were napping or sleeping to work on the projects I shared with you in my last article.
I will share more on how I will be shaping my future business in articles to come, but right now, I am in the vision/creative design/logistics of projects part. Still, I am also making personal life changes with my family, which take more priority, so business work comes spatially, and I have come to accept that and love it when it happens. One thing I learned from my business course as a mother is that I don’t want to be part of the hustle culture and want to work within the timing and season I am in. Not to force things but to flow easily now, knowing things will all workout.
Thanks for always being here till the end. Remember, CHANGE IS WONDERFUL!!! Creating something new is so exciting for me that I thought I’d create a random vision board of photos I have been saving for ideas and concepts to share with just you guys.
Finally, I have lots to share with you all and might do another Life Update as my next article, so stay tuned in. June is my birthday month, so I thought I’d discount my newsletter if you want to connect and support my writing; I will be doing an abundance in the Kitchen with my boys for everyone, who joins me.
Lots of love Kim