I feel very far away from Yogi Kim
Is anyone else in a transition phase and getting lost in mixed emotions?
Enhance why I haven’t felt like writing about yoga lately... and more about motherhood as it is my life 24/7 with only a break when Phoenix naps during the day and after feeds every two hours in the night with Memphis.
Feeling lost... as Yogi Kim
Since being out of practice for over a year, it’s safe to say that I don’t feel like “myself”
And myself, I mean the woman who used to practice yoga and meditate almost daily.
MY BODY - I have done a few yoga flows for like 5 minutes and my body is so sore! I realised that maybe I wasn’t ready yet a few weeks ago. Now my body is saying you are ready, and you NEED to; otherwise, you are going to injure your back if it doesn’t get maintained with some love and attention.
MY MIND - This is the first time in a very long time that I feel disconnected. After the birth of Phoenix, I went back to teach yoga 3 months after he was born. I had my yoga community still coming to the house regularly, so my life as a new mama didn’t feel so different as I managed to go back to work doing what I love and finding my way in motherhood.
MY SPIRIT - I should feel lost as it will be almost a year of not running the Yoga Tent Studio and solely committing my life to motherhood. As I am writing this, I can see how I got to this feeling. I don’t give myself opportunities to reflect these days as I only have an hour each night to myself before I need to go to bed as my night shift with Memphis starts. My heart always knows how I end up where I end up when it comes to all the big emotions I am internalising.
I love writing articles to share with my community to stay connected. Also, for my journal, I share it with you all with the hope it inspires you to reflect, as we all should. Especially this time of year... before the new year commences, we all feel this energy of new beginnings.
Feeling inadequate... to be a writer
Am I a writer? This is a question that plays on my mind. When I sit down and start writing to share an exciting idea with you all, it feels incredible, but as I continue to write, my mind goes to a place of self-doubt, self-sabotage and major imposture syndrome.
Like, who am I to think I am a writer? I don’t have any qualifications...? But then I think so many great writers out there didn’t as well. They just had a story to share, so they just kept writing. I’d love to write a book about my life as there have been so many events that could be turned into a movie.... or moments of “did that just happen to me?”
I am a hopeless romantic, so it would probably be a Rom-Com movie, as I am a sucker for them.
Then I get to a point in my article: Is there a point to this article? If so, could you make it?
And for this one, I wanted to share that I am in a PHASE of TRANSITION in my life, and all these mixed emotions are coming up for me. I felt it would be good to share it with you all if others are in a PHASE of TRANSITION.
I do not feel like my old self is NORMAL, as something massive has just happened again to me. I have birthed another son in less than a year and a half! For a woman who didn’t want kids and now has 2, it’s pretty full-on.
Feeling blessed, tired, playful, irritated, happy, exhausted, organised, unorganised... as a mother
I am trying to figure out this new version of Yogi Mama Kim of 2 now... and to be honest... trying, I mean... I’m juggling a lot and not being very successful, as I’m not catching many of the balls. But I am probably putting a lot of pressure on myself to think I should know how to manage two kids since I felt so amazing managing one. But with even less time now...everything takes longer.
I used to pride myself on getting things done efficiently, and now that pace is gone. And weirdly enough, I am happy to do things fast and enjoy the slowness even more. But the old programming running through my mind and body has yet to catch up with the new update that I like doing things SLOW!!!
Here is my draft letter to myself. I should think more about what else I could add to this before 2023 is over, but I thought I’d share what I have so far.
Dear 2024 Kim
Please embrace your SLOW-ass lifestyle.
It’s okay that your life is in a transition phase for probably another year... keep doing what you are doing, being a fantastic mama, writing when you can and doing more yoga asana and meditation to maintain your health.
Your body is healing. Keep saying your mantra daily
I am healing
I am healthy
I am beautiful
I am strong
I am love
I am in love
(I started saying this mantra the day Memphis was born and I started having after-birth contractions)
Find the time to CARE MORE about what this new you like to do and what she doesn’t like to do anymore with this limited time you have now.
Be less strict on your old rules on what you think you should be doing, what is possible, and what you WANT to do now as this version of yourself, mama.
Know that you can’t write short articles, and that’s okay because this is Substack, long-form writing. And it is possible that your life can be written into a book one day and, who knows, maybe a movie...anything is possible.
Time might feel like this precious asset you are running out of more each day, but remember this transition phase is like a season and will change in a few months, and something new will present itself to you. Be MORE curious about what that might be versus holding on to what you already know.
Thank you for always reading my articles if you have been on this journey since the beginning. If you are new, I’d love for you to subscribe, and I hope I will get back on track writing weekly articles in 2024. But this will be the last one for 2023 (I say that, and then I will probably sneak the draft ones I have written before the end of the year when Tony is home). However, I want to enjoy these next 2 weeks with Tony, Phoenix and Memphis, connecting and falling MORE in love with my beautiful family of 4!
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season
Love Kim