From silencing "my voice" to discovering "my inner voice"

How an EXCELLENT performance review went from tears to therapy to discovering I had silenced my voice through childhood trauma and how I discovered my conscious awareness

Spoiler alert 🚨 but I wanted to give you full insight that this article is a personal pivotal moment in my life and mental health journey before discovering Yogi 🧘🏻‍♀️ Kim, and if you don’t want to miss it, make sure you read to the end. Especially if you are on the fence about going to a therapist and why you probably should.

In my first article, I shared that blogging gave me “A VOICE”, a lesson I took away from my Counsellor Lawrence, whom I met in Melbourne while working at ADF (Australian Drug Foundation), a nonprofit company. 

Also, don’t miss this month’s special offer, as I will be going into labour any day now.

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Do not let anyone dampen your voice.

I mean this even more so towards those closest to you because they are often the ones you stop speaking your truth to due to FEAR. Fear of them judging you, rejecting you, or getting abused mentally, emotionally or physically. But also, don’t let yourself hold you back!

I will go deeper into the background information in another article. Still, for now, I will just state that I come from Domestic Family Violence from my biological father, who I have no contact with anymore. I grew up in fear most of my life until I was 18, when he was arrested, and I have never been in contact with him since by personal choice. 

Growing up in this environment of fear, I was more or less in stress mode of one or 2 of these 4 modes: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Now understanding these modes as an adult, I can see that I couldn’t fight my father, I couldn’t run away as I was too young, so I was living in freeze mode with the feeling of a sense of dread and fawn mode by saying nothing and avoid doing anything bad, as I was scared of getting abused physically.

This caused me to retreat into myself and keep quiet to protect myself the best way I knew how. Growing up around a father like this, I didn’t understand mental or emotional abuse. Even though I knew it wasn’t right how I was being treated. The long-term impact it created deep within me wasn’t in my consciousness for years!

Fast forward to the future ----> Living in Melbourne, 2013

Melbourne Art Project of Sunflowers https://he11okiki.wordpress.com/2014/02/09/discover-sunflowers/

I have been a successful Executive Assistant to the CEO, CFO and Managing Director for a few years. 

My ex-boyfriend Scott then travelled to China, the Caribbean, Dubai, Mexico, etc. We lived in a luxe 4-storey townhouse in the City. I have wonderful friends and go home to Canada almost yearly, so my life feels and looks amazing! 

One day, I had a meeting with my CEO and Managing Director for a performance review, and they gave me an amazing review, and I started to CRY! My boss, John, asked me, “Do you know what is happening now?” I replied, “Yes.” I don’t know how to receive positive feedback; it makes me uncomfortable. 

The Performance review turned into a life story chat about what had happened to me, and the fact I had never seen any professional for help was enough for my boss to change that outcome. 

After this meeting, my boss got me to see a counsellor and scheduled monthly catch-ups to check how I was doing with my sessions. He even extended my sessions once I completed them because they were so helpful. He cared so much about my mental health that I will never forget that kind of CARE. 

Counselling session about “my voice”

SIDE NOTE: I will have to state I have a very cool counsellor who supported my photography, reads my blogs, and to this day still does as he has supported and followed my journey even after I moved away from Melbourne. He even bought some of my pottery mugs when I first launched them, and he has kept in touch over the years. 

Maybe in our session, which I vaguely remember now as it was 2014? We talked about my blog, and he asked me why I didn’t share something more personal about myself. I explained that I didn’t know how... 

He told me to write about my feelings, find my voice, and not worry about the rest. I wasn’t allowed to speak my mind growing up, and I always stayed quiet and tried to be a good little girl so Daddy wouldn’t get angry with me.

We discussed how what happened to me in the past doesn’t have to exist in the present. My life is happy now, and I no longer have to use my coping mechanisms to protect myself in my present life the way I was when I was younger and living with my father. I had a voice and didn’t have to live in silence anymore.

The lightbulb went off in my head because I didn’t even realise I was. I knew I had a beautiful life in Melbourne and was thriving personally and professionally. However, my old default programming was still running in my present life very unconsciously.

Occasionally, my unconscious trauma would turn on in situations like my excellent performance review because I had NEVER dealt with my childhood trauma. I had never given supportive, positive feedback from a man before in my life, and when I was an adult, it felt so foreign and uncomfortable coming from my boss, John.

I thought I had found a way to happiness because I had travelled the world, lived in many different countries, and had wild, life-changing experiences.

But I was sadly mistaken as sure it brought me joy and fulfilment in achieving my travel dreams and goals, but underneath the surface of my spirit, I was still left with these traumatic wounds that were left untreated. By leaving them unhealed, they were haunting me in the background of my unconscious self.  

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Unlocking my voice and inner voice

What I had unlocked was that I did have a voice, an inner voice conflicted with what it had always been programmed/conditioned to believe about myself. And this new concept that it was all a lie that I believed and that I was truly holding myself back from experiencing real happiness in my life.

1. I had to focus hard not to let even myself stop me from sharing my words with the world. That my voice has power. This story has wisdom because I know so many others also damper their voice out of fear, not because of domestic violence but because we can be scared of what people may think once we share our truth.

2. Childhood trauma held me back when I never knew I was being held back... by my arms. I’d allow myself to move forward in life, but this old version of myself that was unhealed still had a hold on me. 

3. The egos kept me in this cycle of thinking, “Oh, I have dealt with it and have moved on”, or that it doesn’t affect me anymore that I’ve found an amazing career or relationship, but what I came to understand from my experience with therapy is that you don’t just move on. I was self-sabotaging my happiness due to a lack of understanding of self and unhealed childhood trauma.

4. Having professional support helped me reflect and heal that unattended wound. It was a major shift in how I understood my mind and what it could do to my mental health if left unchecked. 

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Left unchecked leaves you open to living in this unconscious awareness

This version of me was whispering in my ear you are not good enough to be X 

• Loved

• Successful 

• You still require this to get that 

These were the big core wounds I’ve had in my life. 

After becoming a yogi and fully emerging into self-healing, I understood my core wounds. But I wanted to take another step further and know all the good and bad about myself.

I want to be clear that understanding yourself consciously is a never-ending journey!!!

I love discovering new areas of myself I can improve on, noticing when I might have gone back into default of an old story that I believed, and that isn’t real anymore and creating a new story.

I never want to become stagnant and feel like I’ve figured it out. Life and our world are ever-evolving, so I want to stay fresh and curious.

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Understand my unconsciousness

I connected with Substacks as it felt like blogging, and I loved writing for my blog many years ago. It gave me a space to share my fashion, photography, and travelling lifestyle that I had felt dampened for years.

The two events were pivotal moments in my life that I cherish as I felt safe and heard from these men: John, my boss and CEO, and Lawrence, my therapist. They allowed me provided an opportunity for me to grow within myself. My boss encouraged me to go inward, and my therapist encouraged me to speak my truth without fear, as I had nothing standing in my way other than myself.

It is amazing how often I’ve noticed when I get in the way of my happiness based on old stories from my past. Our unconscious self is really powerful if we don’t sit and reflect on ourselves to notice what we are doing to ourselves in our day-to-day lives. We could be living unconsciously again and not even notice, which is the scariest thing about how our minds can operate like that.

Meditation is my daily check with my mind to see how I am feeling and doing overall. It is how I prevent seeking help regularly but still value seeking professional help when necessary.

Learning to be more self-aware has taught me to notice these unconscious actions so I can step out of the way.

Hence, I started writing again because I knew I had so many unspoken stories I wanted to share that had been locked up inside me. So, discovering Substacks, I realised this was my opportunity to crack open my heart and not let any excuse stand in the way of silencing my voice out of fear.

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Sharing My Voice & Inner Wisdom Is The Dream

Even as a busy/pregnant mama, I knew I could make room to share this creative outlet with anyone willing to read and listen. Being my boss for many years, I understand what it takes to commit to something based on your effort.

As much as I am tired this week, being 38 weeks pregnant, I have decided to write slowly, day by day and release this personal story when it feels ready, as it has been sitting in my draft files since July. My conscious awareness understands now that I create new ways of standing in my way, and it’s not a good habit to get into.

Weekly writing is my goal, but as a mama of 2, I know this might always happen. I am not putting too much pressure on missing weeks when things get hectic, but having goals and timelines like this helps me understand what I want to achieve, which is important to me and the community of readers who are also investing in my writing. I have many ideas about how to offer more to my Inner Circle community.

Thank you to all who have subscribed to my Inner Circle. I will share all my MOTHERHOOD stories for paid readers in October. I’m happy to offer 25% off until Oct 17, our son’s due date…. so don’t miss out!!!

• These two events have helped me to encourage and believe in myself on many occasions throughout my life. They are a good reminder that you can shift your mindset and old stories of yourself and create NEW ONES! I realised that if I didn’t, why should anyone else believe in me? 

If I want my dreams to come true, I need to believe in them enough to make them happen, no matter how small or how large they might be. Or how scary or intimidating or large scale they might feel. All these experiences become memories/impressionable feelings that push you forward in life or hold you back from thriving on the path you want to be walking on. 

To walk down the path of your truest desires, you must be willing to go within yourself first and heal whatever you have hidden deep down inside you that you are scared to face. It will feel terrifying, yes and perhaps vulnerable, but the reward at the end of the tunnel, I can say being on the other side now, is well worth it.

I have discovered a deep self-healing power within me now through yoga

I have married a wonderful partner, and we are about to have 2 children

And not to say that having the above is the be-all-end-all because I believe that the family I have created is just the bonus on top of the cake, which I call LIFE. As stated in previous articles, I am responsible for creating my true HAPPINESS, and no one else is. Inner peace comes from understanding that the answers we seek in life are not external; they always come from within us. But learning to trust that inner voice takes practice if you haven’t learnt how to develop that relationship of listening and trusting your inner voice.

I encourage you to go within by simply sitting down and listening to all the noise your mind says about you and your worldview. As a simple practice, you can do it on your own. However, you will be surprised about what you think often on repeat and other stuff you will want to stop thinking about and perhaps let go of. It’s not easy to do this, so I encourage seeking professional help to start understanding what all the noise means inside your mind.

I hope this long article has inspired you to go within and heal, as it can transform your life and how you view yourself and the world. It’s an amazing gift to give yourself healing. This is one story of how I have healed old wounds from my past. I look forward to sharing more.

Thanks for reading always,

Love Kim