Being Great Friends With Your Ex
Untold Stories that are important to share light on how to be friends with an ex-boyfriend
In today’s article, I wanted to share an UNTOLD story that I felt was important to share in the world. I shared this story in my wedding speech in fewer words and wanted to share it here where people could find it to provide hope and love—frankly, a different perspective on how things can be different with ex-partners you have in your life.
The choice is always yours to make, and it is always based on what you CARE MORE about vs what everyone around you might think you should think or feel about a person that you don’t end up dating longer or end up marrying.
TODAY’S CULTURE
We live in a culture that does not positively speak about our past ex-partners because we assume all partnerships must end badly. Our culture unknowingly tells us to unfriend or even hate them because it didn’t work out. But that is such a bad way of behaving to go from love to hate.
It sends a mixed message into the universe that all relationships that end must turn to hate. When hate is as powerful as love, it takes just as much energy to hate someone as it does to love them, believe it or not.
NOTE: I am not saying that everyone should be friends with ex-partners because I do not think you should be friends with anyone. It should be considered for each individual based on how things end in your relationship.
Also, many relationships end on good terms nowadays, and this is called “conscious uncoupling,” but this is a new term and wasn’t around in my last break-up.
However, please challenge yourself and ask yourself a few questions before automatically falling into the default of hate.
Nine years ago, I had to choose to remain friends with Scott, whom I had dated for four years in Melbourne, Australia or let him go from my life forever.
DATING HISTORY
I have had a history of becoming friends with my ex-partners, as I often met abroad while travelling. The only Canadian boyfriend I ever had was my first boyfriend in high school.
(There is a reason why I wore a wedding dress, but too complicated to explain in this article) The crazy part about this photo is that Michelle and Emily were two of my bridesmaids at my actual wedding! HAHA
but with Scott, it was different because;
He was in the longest relationship I had ever been in.
I immigrated to Australia to be with him, and our relationship was the most serious one I had ever had.
We also met in ironic, crazy circumstances… as I was upgraded to Business Class on my flight from Thailand to Melbourne. It was the first time flying in Business Class, and then to have a good-looking guy sit next to me on the plane was honestly a bonus, and well, I was overjoyed the whole flight back!
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Our relationship was serious enough to be en route to the wedding aisle…
However, our relationship ended mutually, hurting both of us as we cared for each other but it just wasn’t working out the way either of us wanted it too.
I knew myself well enough to know that I could be friends with Scott, as I had become friends with all my previous ex-partners. However, this time was different, and I wanted to understand WHY I did it.
Have you ever heard the saying if you love someone, let them go… this is so true!
It’s beautiful to let go of love and someone you care about, allow them the freedom to love again and find someone who will match and suit them better than you ever could.
BUT WE ALL STRUGGLE with this idea…
When we are in an emotional state of hurt or anger, it is very hard to see ANYTHING clearly.
This is why what I suggest to be friends with an ex seems hard to do.
Our minds go into this state of emotional madness:
We think they can’t do better than us in that moment of hurt.
Or we don’t want to even think about them with someone else because it is too painful.
Yet, in most modern relationships today, most of us have multiple partners before settling down with “the one”, so we know our partners have been with other people before us.
For so many of us (I am guilty of doing this in the past), we hang on because of the time we put into a relationship (the investment). In all our hurt feelings or feelings of love, we lose sight of one fact: that one person, whether you or the other person, wants to separate.
We allow our emotions to control our minds to allow certain things to be acceptable and others not to be, and we can always justify them because of our insecurities. (HOPE that makes sense)
In my previous article, Chapter 39, one of the lessons I spoke about is the mind and how it is a weapon. I am referring to this when I say the mind can be a weapon against us and our true values. It can make us think things and believe they are true when, in other circumstances, we would not think like that.
Let me explain further…
Deep within my heart, I am a romantic who loves love! I can’t help it, as I was raised watching every rom-com movie that existed! I also watched every Disney Princess movie, and I am sure I have dressed up as all of them. I was a bride for Halloween multiple times as a child. I am also a Cancerian; we are just big balls of love.
With that said, you would think I would not be so keen to be friends after a breakup. I would have always wanted that happily ever after sooner in life than when it did happen for me, but NOPE.
I understand that love is complex and there is more than one way to love someone.
If I have so-called “loved” this person for the past x amount of time together, why do I have to spoil all the good times we shared (all the beautiful memories) because of the few bad times we might have had, which led to the ending of the relationship?
I dated many men from different countries, so I would naturally have many photos and memories from travelling with them.
So, I didn’t want to create those precious memories and then hate them because I was disappointed by them or they disappointed me when I looked back on those photos of my travels.
I didn’t want to have to delete them from my profile or albums and pretend they didn’t happen because they did, and at the time, they were happy moments.
I obviously chose my life of travel as a priority in my 20s, and I know many people aren’t always fortunate to do so. But still, the same rules apply as your life is a story full of characters you decide to write in as the leading man or lady, and as the story goes on, the characters change.
I firmly believe that we can’t live in this life regretting moments just because we may someday not be happy with a past situation.
So, I decided always to cherish my good memories with past partners. They were part of my life, especially if I chose to be with them.
It’s okay not to be with one partner forever.
It’s okay to break up or get divorced.
It’s socially acceptable to have multiple partners before marriage, but it’s ODD to be friends with an ex.
That standard is unrealistic and needs to change. We as a collective need to make more room in our hearts when people choose to befriend exes.
We should even suggest that people in bad relationships turn their relationship into a friendship as it might be better and healthier for them.
Vs telling each other to stay together and work it out like we have all the time in this life to stay miserable with one person? (LIFE IS TOO SHORT)
Understanding that it takes two people to tango and you need to take accountability, things will start to feel different because you will understand you have a choice.
On another note, I am happily married and look forward to growing old with Tony, holding hands and walking together.
I do not believe marriage is easy, and stating I am happily married means I am very committed to finding ways to stay connected to our partnership as it develops, changes, and grows as we adjust and refocus our love through parenthood and all that life brings our way. I feel a deep groundedness in our love and commitment that came more so with having Memphis, our second son.
How you can be happy for your ex-partner:
It is as simple as wanting them to be happy for you.
Treat your ex-partner with the same respect you would treat anyone else who is close to you. If you think about it, your ex-partner was part of your family at one point. Treat them as if they are still part of your family.
They go from being someone in your everyday life to someone you only see and speak with occasionally. But you have shared experiences like travel, inside jokes and memories.
Understand that hurt emotional memories are part of life lessons and learn how to grow and learn from those hurt emotions instead of holding on to them in the state in which they were received.
It’s difficult to start, turning emotionally painful moments into beautiful life lessons, but I promise you that if you can learn how to do this, you will feel ten times more FREE!
Just like any friendship, you will change as a person without being part of your life daily, and you will change as a person without you. If you care for them with kindness and respect, why not keep them part of your life? They are a good egg, as the saying goes.
You change your behaviour from being in love to loving and respecting them for who they are and not who you want them to be to you. You let go of “we were in love” and embrace I care for you.
I get that “friend isn’t a great word to call an ex-partner because you were in a deeply connected relationship with that person, but there isn’t a good word we have in our culture to label someone who is an ex-partner, which is why I am writing this article.
Greeting your ex-partner doesn’t have to be awkward. Just give them a hug like you would a cousin you haven’t seen in a long time. We hug all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons. Don’t get caught up with deeper means over a hug!
Be open to your current partner about your friendships with your ex-partners from the beginning make it out to be your friend, and don’t call them your ex. Call them by their name as you would your best friend. Get them to meet each other and hang out like you would your friends.
I get that Tony befriended Scott, making my friendship easier. (The story of how they met is another article.) However, it took all three of us to form our friendship over the past 8-9 years, checking up on each other as we live interstate.
But Tony wanted to invite Scott to our wedding, and many people thought it was odd and disagreed with it when we told them. I thought it was fun to see people’s reactions because I knew many would not get it, even our closest friends. But it was okay that they didn’t get it because we knew it came from a place of love for us both. Our culture doesn’t warm to the idea of befriending exes, but we are thrilled to have our friendship work out the way that it has.
I know it has taught me that LOVE goes beyond your wildest imagination when you focus on the good in people vs the way things are.
It showed me that Tony’s heart was as big as mine and that I had met someone who understood me and could see the good in people just like I did.
It showed me that Scott was an amazing friend in and out of our relationship. He showed up to our wedding with love and grace, regardless of other people’s opinions. Our families welcomed him because they knew he was a kind person and someone we had a great friendship with.
In the lead-up to having our first son, Scott flew over from Melbourne to Perth and stayed with us. After many years of us telling him to come over sooner, he made it. He also brought over all his electrical tools and did all this work to our house to get it ready for our first son to arrive, saving us THOUSANDS of dollars of labour to pay a sparky! Then, we met his wonderful girlfriend, Sam, who was new. We instantly connected and got along, which was perfect!
And now, I am so thrilled to announce that this past month, Scott became a father for the first time. We spoke with him in the lead-up to having his first son, and on the day he arrived, we were among the people he shared the news with.
In closing this article, my big heart has allowed me to look past my emotions and social standings and befriend my ex-partners. Scott is just one example because he is the most recent one, and I am still very close to him. But I questioned myself, WHY do I do it? It’s because I can’t help but choose LOVE when I see the good in people that I care about if I know that they also share that same kind of care and love.
But honestly, what works for me may not work for you, and it’s important to stay true to yourself. All I am sharing is a unique story and suggesting that you be more open to other ways of approaching breakups with more love vs. hate.
I might be crazy or just lucky… I don’t know, but if you can relate to this…. HONESTLY, I’d love to hear your story. I sometimes feel very alone in this perspective when I share it before, as it is an unpopular opinion.
Lots of love and light to you all
Kim